Dear girl who is learning to be herself,
Spoiler alert: you’re going to be okay.
Actually, more than okay, you’re going to build a life you’re proud of. You’ll be married to your wife. You’ll be out at work and with your family. You’ll have a meaningful career and the opportunity to impact others in ways you can’t yet imagine.
But it won’t feel that way for a long time.
When you’re young, you won’t have the language for what you’re feeling. You’ll play sports, form deep friendships, and feel drawn to certain girls in a way you don’t fully understand. You’ll tell yourself they’re just “cool” or that you just like being around them.
As you get older, you’ll try to follow the path you think you’re supposed to be on. You’ll date boys. You’ll try to fit in. In college, you’ll start to realize something feels different, but instead of exploring it, you’ll hide it. You’ll deflect questions. You’ll carry tension in your shoulders. You’ll become guarded.
After college, the truth will get harder to ignore. A friend will give you a book, and a quote will stop you in your tracks: “If you fear it too much, it will probably come true.”
You’ll panic, because deep down, you already know. You’ll be afraid you won’t find love, afraid your family will see you differently, and afraid your life won’t look the way you imagined.
And sometimes, the hardest part won’t be what people say, but what they don’t understand. Even well-meaning questions or comments will make you feel like the “other” in the room.
Years later, even after you’ve built a life with your wife, that feeling will still show up in unexpected ways. When your mom moves into a new community, she’ll introduce your wife by her first and last name, or call her a “niece.” She’ll think she’s protecting you. But it will hurt. It will feel small, invisible, and deeply personal.
And in that moment, you’ll realize something important: you can’t stay quiet to keep others comfortable. You’ll have to find your voice, not just for yourself, but for the person you love. And even though it’s hard, you’ll speak up. That’s growth.
But the real turning point comes earlier.
When you start dating the woman who will become your wife, you’ll hear a story from her family. When she was facing a similar moment, her brother and sister-in-law gave simple advice:
Invite everyone. Be yourself. And let them decide how they respond.
That idea will change everything for you.
For the first time, you’ll realize that you are not responsible for other people’s reactions. You don’t have to carry their fear, their judgment, or their discomfort. You just have to live your life in a way you won’t regret.
So you’ll start practicing. Saying “my wife.” Using “she” without hesitation. It won’t feel natural at first, but over time, it will feel like freedom.
And one day, it will simply feel like you.
Before, you felt guarded, anxious, and tight, constantly managing what to say and what not to say. Now, you feel free, grounded, open, and light.
This journey will shape you in ways you can’t yet see. It will make you a better leader and a better human. You’ll pay attention to the person in the room who hasn’t spoken yet. You’ll notice when someone is shutting down. You’ll ask one more question, then another, so people feel seen and valued.
You’ll learn that success doesn’t come from being the same. It comes from bringing your full, real self and creating space for others to do the same.
And here’s what I want you to know most:
It is not your job to change people’s minds, even the people closest to you. It is your job to accept yourself.
There will be moments that are painful. But those moments do not define you. Other people’s discomfort, lack of understanding, or fear belongs to them, not to you.
Your life will be full of people who love and accept you exactly as you are, but it starts with you doing that for yourself. Be patient, be curious, and be yourself, because there is nothing wrong with you. In fact, the very thing you’re afraid of will become one of your greatest strengths.
With love,
Jill
