Dear girl who wants everyone to like her,
News flash: not everyone you meet in life will appreciate what you have to offer. And that’s perfectly okay. Move on, sister.
Find your people.
As one of my dearest friends tells her kids, “Go towards the light!” In other words, find your people. Don’t spend energy trying to be someone you are not, or trying to break into a group that makes you question your values or worse, doubt what you bring to the table.
The truth is, it isn’t about everyone else. It is about you.
The sooner you learn to love yourself first, to be your own best friend, the sooner you will find your tribe.
This is a lesson about belonging that I sorely needed in my first bumpy months of high school.
Oh, how I wish I could have shared this wisdom about the power of self-love with my awkward 14-year-old self.
Picture me with my mouth full of orthodontia, Eighties bangs teased high and hair-sprayed, and outfitted in oversized tops from Contempo Casuals in a poor attempt to cover up my new double Ds. I remember being an insecure freshman, so badly wanting to fit in with the “in” crowd. I wanted to be thinner, to be blonde and blue-eyed, to have a flatter chest.
My Arizona high school was straight out of Friday Night Lights. The cheerleaders and the jocks ruled the school. My self-worth was all tied up in my Guess jeans size, never small enough to me, yearning for attention from the cutest boys, and lamenting the fact that I couldn’t do a cartwheel to save my life, thus eliminating my chances of ever making the cheer squad.
But here’s where my story changed.
I moped around a lot those first few months of school. Yet I always knew I loved public speaking, acting, singing, and writing. I took a chance and slowly started signing up for clubs that interested me as the year went on.
I stumbled into some really great people who genuinely appreciated me for me. I discovered my passions. I kept going.
By sophomore year, I was spending my weekends traveling to speech tournaments and play rehearsals. I wrote for the school paper and became the features editor. I got my braces off. Senior year, I ran for student body vice president and won.
Those same high school pursuits would eventually lead me to a successful career in television reporting and anchoring, to writing books, and now to giving back to young people as a social worker.
The less time I spent worrying about what the “popular” girls were doing, the more time I devoted to pursuits that drew on my unique talents and gifts.
This attracted people who wanted to invest time and energy in meaningful friendships with me.
I made new friends while keeping dear ones from middle school. My true friends cheered me on and celebrated my achievements, even those that didn’t meet the “cool” or “popular” standard within our school’s strict social hierarchy. I reciprocated wholeheartedly.
Most of those friendships have continued to enrich my life for close to forty years, spanning college, marriages, and kids. To me, that says it all.
The friendships endured long after graduation because they were built on much more than social currency. They didn’t care that I had braces, or that I never had the coolest clothes, or that I couldn’t do a cartwheel. Our relationships were deeper than that.
And this, girl who wants everyone to like her, is what I wish for you.
As you look ahead to turning a page and starting a new year, I ask you to take a few moments to look inward.
Ask yourself who and what makes you smile and feel proud. Write it down so you remember, and look for ways to bring more of those activities and people into your life.
Next, listen closely to how you talk to yourself. I ask you to speak kindly and gently, as if you are communicating with your greatest ally.
She is you.
Finally, think hard about what makes you special and remember that being imperfectly perfect is exactly what makes this world interesting. How boring would it be if we all looked, thought, dressed, and sounded the same?
The secret to belonging is to belong to yourself before anyone else.
Those deep friendships will follow once you allow yourself to embrace your unique and wonderful self.
With love,
Heather
